Self Loathing

I was talking to a friend today who is taking a class where they have to do cognitive thinking as an assignment. She was working it out on me with thoughts that I have. Basically she was telling me that I do way to much self down talking and that I need to stop that way of thinking. I agreed with everything that she said. As we went through some of the things that I might get down on myself about she showed me how to break it down. We went through what my first thought would be and then my next and how I could control what I think to have a different reaction.
Like I said, I know that this is some smart stuff to do. It is supposed to get you to think positively about yourself and to not rip yourself apart all the time. I don't think I am too self loathing, but then I asked what she learned about negative feelings not being ALL bad. I mean, for the most part I think I'm pretty happy with myself. Then something will happen and I'll take an outside look at myself and realize that I'm not doing everything I need to be doing. That is when I will feel like a bit of a failure and a loser. I said I actually like those times because that's when I see that I have so much more to improve on. I almost need those humbling times to become better. Otherwise I would just walk around thinking I'm all that.
It didn't turn into a debate or anything but she did understand what I meant. She agreed that it can be a good thing as long as you don't wallow in self pity because you're not pretty enough or strong enough, or whatever enough. That's true. I think that from time to time I need to evaluate who I am and what I'm doing. If I don't like it, then I need to make a change. I need to make sure that I don't label myself as lazy or ugly or something like that because that would just bring me down. So I'm glad we had that little conversation this morning. I realize that I don't always criticize myself but when I do I need to make sure I make it a positive thing and not something that could spiral into a self loathing depression.
I resolve that I will take the time to consider my feelings and analyze them to make sure I am helping myself. Who knows, maybe this will be the trick to help me be the person that I want to be and perhaps I can finally overcome some of those weaknesses that I have which I feel are holding me back.

Miller Reunion 2009

Here's Koen being a fireman at the kids' museum


Here's Eades being a cowboy.



Here's granddad sleeping at the museum. We wore him out.


Here's Brandis being Austrian.


This is Koen and Eades on a stagecoach.


This is Eades and Aunt Emma.



This is Eades in a coal cart.



This is the family at Lake Tahoe.



Here's Granddad on a train. This was a nice cool for the boys. They like it when the train turned around.

Some pictures

Here's a picture of Taygan just looking innocent.


She really likes her saucer. She plays with toys and just bounces and watches everybody do what they do.


Here's a picture Tony took and then added a border to surprise me when I looked at my pictures on the camera. I didn't even know I could add borders with my camera.


Here's another one. I thought it looked pretty sweet.


Here's Dougan on the bus.

This is Dougan waiting on the bus.


Here's Koen standing next to our neighbors giant mushrooms. Everyday they were bigger than the last. It took about four days for them to get this big. The neighbor mowed his lawn then and now they're gone.


Here's a web that was in our back doorway. Did you know it takes a spider less than an hour to create a web? We watched this spider for 15 min. while it finished this one and then took a picture. The photo doesn't do the web justice. It was beautiful.


This is a picture Koen took. The boys posed themselves and then Koen used his photography skills. If I would have taken the picture I would have made sure Brandis was a little better clothed and that they would have all smiled a little. Oh well, at least he got them all in the shot.

Time on my Hands

Dougan got on the bus for the first time today. After I shut the door I turned to see Brandis just standing there looking so singular. I got out one bowl and one spoon for him to eat breakfast. Taygan is sleeping so its just him and I. I'm realizing as I'm watching him eat that I won't have to mediate for a few hours until Dougan gets home. What will I do with all this extra time and quiet. I already finished my two knitting projects yesterday. Perhaps I should start painting the house. Maybe I can start practicing guitar again. I don't know, I guess I can do whatever I want. I am happy that when I go to the store today I'll only have Brandis and Taygan.
Dougan was so excited for school this morning he didn't mind that I woke him up in the wee hours of the morning to give him a bath because I waited too close to bedtime last night to give baths. No he didn't mind at all. In case you didn't notice I am turning this post into a Dougan's first official day of school post. Him and his brothers all got to wear a brand new pair of spiderman underwear that their grandma gave them. That's a big deal because I buy only plain white to save money. That reminds me of a funny story.
When my boys were first potty training I bought characterized underwear as an incentive. Then suddenly I changed to plain white. My boys were disappointed to say the least. I told them that their artist aunt Rachel could draw them anything they wanted on their underwear. Koen asked if he could have a butt drawn on his. Aunt Rachel said she sure could do that. We ended up not getting customized underwear and just stuck with the plain white but it sure was funny. I couldn't imagine what a teacher would have thought at bathroom time at school seeing a kid with a butt crack drawn on his underwear.
Wow this post keeps changing. Maybe I'm just so crazy because of the house being so different. Anyway. One more change of thought. I get to plan another Amish Dinner for next month. I love organizing these but this will be my shortest notice of one. I had to plan one for October but every weekend has stuff. I found that the 10th is the only night my church isn't doing something. They will be finishing up a camp-out from the night before but that night is open. I'm a little stressed about that. I designed the invite last night but now I have to buy photo paper and envelopes and print them all off and send them all off. I have less than a month!!!! I usually have everything out a month ahead of time. That way I have three weeks to find out who's going and one week to gather money. Oh well it will just have to work. Project runway right? Make It Work.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Sunday has been my favorite day of the week for some time now. I love being around my church family and I love hearing and participating in lessons. I also like when I come home and I just get to relax. Today was another winner. We got to church on time, which we almost always do, and we got our pew. The boys were pretty good. Nobody got kicked out of class or anything. The YW were in good spirits and we had a nice little lesson. I got a new counselor today and she seems really nice.
We came home and ate bologna sandwiches which were quick and simple. Then I got to take a nap. I woke up, did some dishes, and then Eades and I made some cupcake cones. Then I picked up the downstairs while waiting for treats to bake. Tony took the three oldest for a walk so while I'm waiting for the second batch to bake I decided to get on the computer. Now my house is clean and I know I'll soon get to eat some goodies. It can't get any better than this.
Yes this was another pleasant valley Sunday.

School Has Begun

Today was the third day of school. It's really quiet during the day and I can't even imagine how it will be when Dougan starts school next week. Last night I met both teachers and I met Dougan's yesterday afternoon. It was nice to meet them all and I love all of their personalities. I also saw that one of the George boys from Northridge has a boy in Eades' class. I talked to him a little too. Tony volunteered to help out in the classroom which I thought was great. The teachers did too. I think he'll go in maybe once a month or something. I volunteered to do clerical work for Eades' class at home. So I get to cut out lots of things and do stuff like that.
On Tuesday I decided to paint my kitchen finally. It just seemed like the right time with only three little kids at home. It feels good to have finally done it after 2 1/2 years. Now I want to repaint the rest of the house. We'll see how long it takes me to get around to that. I also want to make curtains and do fun stuff like that. I still don't quite have the creative homemaking gift where everything looks cute and great, but I'm trying to.
So my kids were pretty much bored this summer and I didn't have a whole lot of things planned to do. Last week a family moved in behind us with two boys a little girl and a teenage girl. I think it's so funny that now that they finally have neighbor kids to play with they have to go to school all day. So far when they come home all the kids play outside together. It's fun to see them with new friends. They're good kids too so I'm glad that they moved in.
Now I just have four more years until my youngest goes to school. I have some friends and family who have sent there youngest to school this year and I'm glad I'm not there yet. I know I would be very emotional. I wasn't bad with Koen and Eades this week. I was mostly just proud of them. I'm not sure how I'll be with Dougan next week. The school has a first day cry group, but I don't think I'll go because I'll still have Brandis and Taygan. I think I'll be fine. Maybe when Taygan goes I'll need to go to that.

My Family

This is a blog about my kids. See they're sleeping now and I love them most when they're sleeping. They look like little angels. I'm feeling a little sentimental about them probably because school starts this week and I just put their annual marks on the wall to see how much they've grown. So I'll tell you about each of my kids and why I love them.
First there's Koen. He's 7 yrs old. He's shy like I am. He's really smart though and is always thinking about something. My favorite thing to do with Koen is to answer his questions. He has really good thoughts and he just wants to make sense of it all. He blows me away with the things he asks me about. I also love that he trusts me and thinks I have the answers. He's also a natural athlete. It's a joy to watch him pick something up quickly and excel at it. He also gets so proud of himself when he hits the ball into outfield or teaches himself to ride a bike or any physical feat that he can master. He's a really good older brother and he helps me out around the house so much.
Second is Eades. He's 6 yrs old. He is pretty social. He loves to have a good time. If you want to have fun just bring Eades into the picture. He's a real sweetheart too. He loves to give hugs and to put his arm around you when he sits right next to you. He wants to grow up fast. He often tells me about what he's going to be when he grows up and what his life is going to be like. He loves to collect things. Tony and I think it's so funny how he takes his collections so seriously. I think he'll be good with money when he grows up because he is a miser with his stuff. I love just sitting around with Eades and telling him stories. He loves to hear them over and over again.
Third is Dougan. He's 4 yrs old. He loves to talk all the time. He talks to anybody and everybody. He also loves to give compliments. He goes up to strangers all the time and tells them he likes their hair. You can tell they feel special after that. How could you not? He gives me hugs and tells me he loves me all day long. He is super friendly and loves to play with his brothers or anybody for that matter. I love how open he is. He just says whatever he's thinking or feeling. Life for him is simple and fun. I love to watch him just have a good time. He sings all day and tells stories and just loves life. If anybody is feeling sad they just need to spend time with Dougan who just gives and gives and gives love away.
Fourth is Brandis. He's 2 yrs old. He's a little clown. He performs for us all the time. He is the peacemaker in our family. Nobody fights with Brandis. They all just love him. He knows this and does whatever he can to make us all laugh. He'll dance or make faces or just do something funny. We just crack up. Brandis doesn't get in trouble very much mainly because it's just not in his nature but also because he's so dang cute that he just looks at me with those big blue eyes and I forget anything naughty that he could have done. Brandis is a happy kid and likes to play whether it's with his brothers or by himself but his favorite thing to do is to play with his baby sister. I was very surprised to see him absolutely fall in love with her. I was worried that he would be jealous, but no, he adores her. He's such a cutie.
Fifth is Taygan. She's 3 mths old. She is a very calm little baby. She doesn't cry much and when she does she is easily settled. She smiles a lot. She is such a girl and just craves any and all attention. It's fun to talk to her because she just smiles and coos. She's also a little ticklish. It's so much fun to play with her. I think she also likes to get dressed up in the pinkest outfits. Yes I'm pretty sure she does. She likes to watch Jane Austen movies with me in the middle of the night when I'm feeding her. It's just our little thing that we do together.
Okay, I may as well add Tony to this. I mean it wouldn't be right to leave him out. Tony and I love to have long conversations. We usually do this while we go for a drive with the kids and they all fall asleep and we just talk. It is one of my favorite things to do. It always surprises me that I found somebody who thinks so much the same way I do. He is much more of a romantic than I am though and he likes to bring home flowers and chocolates and things like that. I don't mind at all. He is a great dad. I love watching the boys go and do their thing with him. It's good for them. All of them. Tony is a lot more outgoing than I am. He has such an ease with people that I wish I had. It's good for me because it helps bring me out of my shell whenever he introduces me to a new friend that he has. He's also kind, strong, and very loving for all of God's children. I think he's the perfect match for me because where I'm weak he's strong and vice versa.
So that's my family that I love very much. I think it's good to step back sometimes and realize how lucky you are especially when everyone's being loud and you're late for church and you can't find someone's shoe. Yep, that's when you need to realize how blessed you truly are.